WWF and Simon Cowell tag team the charts [December 6, 1992]
Plus: Take That, Prince, Wreckx-n-Effect, and Dr. Dre
Greetings, Time Traveller! đ
Itâs December 6, 1992 again
đ° Charles and Diana close out the annus horibilis by confirming their separation.
đœïž Kevin does his đ± face when he meets Donald Trump in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. đș On TV, David Jason puts Del Boy behind him (for a while) to solve crimes in the first episode of A Touch Of Frost.
đ¶ I Will Always Love You remains at Number One, and itâs going to stay there for a while. In the meantime, letâs talk aboutâŠ
This weekâs Number 4: âSlam Jamâ â WWF Superstars
Wrestling was not my thing when I was a kid. My younger cousin loved WWF, but I would always sneer at him and say, âyou know itâs not real, right?â
In my early 20s, I got completely sucked into WWF. Turns out, itâs perfect post-pub entertainment, and drunkenly shouting at Smackdown became one of my favourite pastimes.
This was around 1999, during the early days of the internet. By day, I used to browse wrestling-themed Geocities pages and jump into WWF Usenet groups. Thatâs where I discovered that wrestling fans speak in a rich and strange jargon.
Wrestling-speak is a whole other language, kind of like Nadsat in A Clockwork Orange. For starters, the most popular wrestlers fall into two categories: âFacesâ, the heroes, and âHeelsâ, the villains.
A Face can become a Heel, or vice versa. This transition is known as a âturnââHulk Hogan made a âhell turnâ in to a bad guy in the mid-90s. However, fans decide whether or not to accept this turn. You have to âgo overâ, which is when fans embrace a new persona or storyline.
The wrestlers will choreograph their moves in advance, and those set-pieces are known as âworksâ. If someone improvises a move mid-fight, thatâs a âshootâ.
Shoots and works both depend on the recipient being able to âsellââto convince the audience that theyâve been badly hurt. Selling is an artform in itself, arguably the hardest part of wrestling.
All this leads to my favourite wrestling term: kayfabe.
Kayfabe is the collective mythos around each wrestling match. Itâs whatâs happening in the ringâthe works, the shoots, the sellsâbut itâs also the broader story, including the various rivalries and relationships.
But kayfabe is also about the suspension of disbelief. Wrestling isnât trying to trick you. Nobody pretends that this is a documentary. They just want to create a coherent story, one so compelling that you âmark outââbriefly forget that youâre watching an entertainment show. Kayfabe is consensual; you choose to go along with it.
All of this language is about the viewerâs relationship with the spectacle, how they deal with the blend of fact and fiction. Wrestling is not only real, it is about reality. It is the ultimate Reality TV
That said, WWF helped launch a new wave of Unreality TV, through no fault of its own.
The best there is, the best there was
Simon Cowell spent much of the 80s as a stereotypical yuppie asshole. He owned his own record label, drove a Porsche, and showed up at every London party. All this, despite the fact that his label only had one hit single: Sinittaâs camp classic âSo Machoâ.
Here is kayfabe in real life: act like youâre successful, and people will go along with it. Especially if you are a white man with a firm handshake.
In 1989 the French label BMG begged Cowell to be their new A&R man. He joined them and became perhaps the worst A&R man in history, turning down Take That (40 million records sold) and Spice Girls (100 million records sold.)
Cowell was more interested in his own theory of pop music, which he explained in a radio interview:
You can have the more credible serious stuff, but why shouldnât a younger audience be able to buy the music they like? It isnât necessarily the most artistic form on Earth, but they love it when they buy it. Iâve never seen the sense of being snobbish about music. You either like it or you donât.
This is his way of saying: we put too much effort into the music. We are making a product. Like any manufacturer, our goal should be to minimize costs while increasing sales volumes.
Cowellâs had a vision: form partnerships with recognised brands, and then sell music-related merchandise to that brandâs audience. This was how you reach an untapped market, such as pre-teen kids.
Slam jam, thank you maâam
Cowellâs found the perfect brand partner in August 1992.
The World Wrestling Federationâwrestlingâs biggest franchiseâmade a rare foray outside of the States that year, holding their SummerSlam pay-per-view event at Wembley Stadium. Over 80,000 fans screamed in joy as Lancashire boy Davey âBritish Bulldogâ Smith pinned Bret âThe Hitmanâ Hart for the WWF Intercontinental Title.
A few days later, Cowell read a newspaper report about the event and was stunned at the numbers. Wrestling had shifted 80,000 tickets, and it had sold out in under an hour.
In his autobiography, he wrote:
Thereâs not a rock band in the world that can do that. And I also found out they were selling about 2.5 million videos a year to fansâŠIt didnât take long to realise that if they were selling that many seats and that many videos, there would be a lot of kids who would buy an album from the wrestlers as well. It was just common sense.
Cowell got in touch with Vince McMahon, wrestling CEO and insanely awful human (weâd be here all day if we started listing Vinceâs sins.) McMahon has the same âcha-ching!â sensibility as Cowell, so this was a match made in heaven.
The music itself didnât have to be good, it just had to be good enough. Cowell asked his mentor Pete Waterman for help. Stock, Aiken and Waterman were effectively finished at this point, so Pete was probably glad for the extra cash.
Pete Waterman and Mike Stock whipped up some generic early-90s dance beats, with vocals from some session singers. Colin âEinsteinâ Caseâwho disgraced himself a few weeks ago on that Super Mario Brothers songâadded a bit of hip-hop flavour.
For the wrestling part, they mostly just sampled promos from the WWF TV show, although Bret Hart did insist on doing some original vocals. He speak-sings his way Shatner-style through uptempo ballad, âNever Been A Right Time To Say Goodbyeâ.
The resulting album was called Wrestlemania, and the first single was âSlam Jamâ, which burst into the charts at Number 4. Cowellâs bet had paid offâas predicted, lots of kids spent their pocket money on the single, while lots of parents bought it as a last-minute stocking stuffer.
Wrestlemania went on to 1.5 million copies on its first run. Thatâs twice as many as Screamadelica.
Here it is for the good, the bad, and the ugly
And so, a beast was unleashed upon the earth.
The other execs at BMG had pleaded with Cowell not to disgrace their good name with a novelty record about wrestling. And now, âSlam Jamâ had almost been Christmas Number One.
The following year, Cowell actually did capture the festive charts with a novelty song, the godawful Mr. Blobby.
A few years later, he almost did it again with Teletubbies, although âToo Muchâ by Spice Girls managed to cling on.
2000 saw a pleasingly ironic reversal of fortune. Cowell had signed Irish boyband Westlife, and he thought he had the Christmas Number One sewn up with their soggy ballad âWhat Makes A Manâ.
But they were beatenâby Bob The Builder.
Unbelievable
When reality TV became a big thing in 2000, it attempted respectability by pretending to be a social experiment (like Big Brother) or a fly-on-the-wall documentary (like Pop Stars.)
Simon Cowell couldnât give a shit about respectability. He saw an opportunity. Instead of making novelty songs based on TV shows, he would create a TV show that generated hit records.
Pop Idol introduced glitz, soapy drama, relatable characters, and audience involvement. It was soon replaced by The X Factor, a massive live spectacle with Cowell as the main character.
When I first watched The X Factor, something about the rhythm of it felt familiar. After a few episodes, it struck me. This was wrestling.
The X Factor replaces fighting with singing, and KOs are delivered by an audience vote. Apart from that, itâs exactly the same. The plotlines, the relationships, the sudden twists. The works and the shoots. The heels and faces.
Vince McMahon writes himself into WWF storylines as the ultimate heel. Fans love to hate him; he loves their attention and their money. You see where Cowell gets his inspiration.
The difference is: most people didnât realise that The X Factor was as fake as wrestling. X Factor fans didnât have the same language of works and shoots, of heels and faces. They didnât have the concept of Kayfabe.
Hereâs an example:
Jedward were heels in their X Factor series (although they are now iconic and we love them.) They couldnât sing, couldnât dance, the other contestants hated them, and Simon kept berating them for wasting everyoneâs timeâbut the audience kept voting to keep them in the show.
During this time, a grown-ass adult with a job and a college degree said to me, âI keep voting for Jedward because it annoys Simon so much.â
Voting cost ÂŁ1. Cowell made ÂŁ5 million from phone-in voting that season alone.
Wrestling is real because it encourages fans to question the reality of the spectacle. When you understand the nature of kayfabe, wrestling actually becomes more enjoyable.
Reality TV is the opposite. Itâs all about illusion. The X Factor was cancelled in 2021 after a long decline, and that decline happened because they couldnât maintain kayfabe. After all, how many times can you listen to some golden-voiced street urchin talk about their recently deceased granny before you go, âhang on, is any of this real?â
Reality TV did substantial cultural damage during its time, and eventually led to the Trump presidency. And it all started here, in 1992, when a soulless record exec decided to cash in on wrestling.
Enough of Simon Cowell! Please tell me about your favourite wrestler in the comments. Mine is Mick Foley. I got to meet him a few years ago and he is delightful.
And please share this if you liked it!
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Elsewhere in the charts
Number 9 (New Entry): âCould It Be Magicâ â Take That
Simon Cowell did indeed pass on Take That. He admits himself that he said, âIâll sign them without the fat one,â despite the fact that Gary was a rare find: a boyband boy who could write hit songs.
âCould It Be Magicâ is not a House of Barlow original, of course, but it is a very jazzed-up and fun version of a Barry Manilow classic. In a year plagued by cover versions, this is one of the least egregious ones.
The irony is that their previous single, âA Million Love Songsâ, was by Barlow but sounded like Barry Manilow. Another irony is that âA Million Love Songsâ probably had a better chance of being Christmas Number One. Hindsight is 20/20.
Number 21 (New Entry): âOne In Tenâ â 808 State vs. UB40
UB40 were a cracking band in the early days before they morphed into an anodyne adult-contemporary outfit. âOne In Tenâ shows them at their peak: a compelling pop-reggae sound, and lyrics fizzing with class consciousness.
808 State donât do anything especially interesting with it, but they also donât butcher it, and sometimes thatâs good enough.
Number 26 (â from 24): âRump Shakerâ â Wreckx-N-Effect
Hip-hop was still really struggling to cross the Atlantic in 1992.
âRump Shakerâ was a big deal in the States, peaking at second place in the Billboard Hot 100. However, like âBaby Got Backâ, it fizzled in the UK and left no trace in Europe.
Part of it was, I think, because of the soaring popularity of dance music over here. We liked techno beats and hip-hop was kind of a niche or a novelty. The reverse seemed to be happening in America, where hip-hop was growing while EDM was kind of a fad.
But a sea change was coming. Dr Dre had achieved a crucial breakthrough, as discussed in this weekâs album review (keep scrolling).
Number 27 (â from 38): â7â â Prince & The New Power Generation
Warner Brothers really wanted this to be the lead single off the Love Symbol album, but Prince insisted on âMy Name Is Princeâ.
Iâm on the WB side here. âMy Name Is Princeâ is good fun, but my â7â is a shimmering, textured stunner with an outstanding vocal performance. However, This Week In The 90s is a democracy! Letâs do another poll about it:
Number 38 (â from 27): âClose Every Doorâ â Philip Schofield
Is this an attempt at the Christmas Number One? Iâd rather have Mr Blobby.
Album of the Week
The Chronic â Dr. Dre
If youâve faithfully read every This Week In The 90s this year, thenâwell, thank you, glad you enjoyed it! Hope you come back next year! Also, youâll be aware that hip-hop was in kind of a weird place in 1992.
Rapâs most respected names âPublic Enemy, Tribe, N.W.A., and so onâhad peaked without achieving massive chart success. 1991âs best hip-hop album, The Low End Theory, sold only half a million copies.
What did sell were pop-rap records, some of which bordered on being novelty songs. As pointed out in a previous newsletter, by 1992 the biggest hip-hop single of all time was probably Kris Krossâs âJump Aroundâ.
And then, in November 1992, MTV started playing a new video by N.W.A. escapee Dr. Dre, featuring a tall, bug-eyed kid called Snoop Doggy Dogg.
In 1991, âSmells Like Teen Spiritâ split rock music into a Before and After.
âNuthin But A G Thangâ did this for hip-hop, but its impact went beyond a single genre, and beyond music entirely. The whole cultural conversation began to shift. Within a few years, moral panickers forgot about heavy metal, and instead focused all their Maude Flanders energy on gangsta rap.
Meanwhile, Americaâs childrenâincluding the valuable white suburban teen demographicâbought rap CDs by the armful. Death Row Records was making $100 million per year at its peak.
Question is, whatâs so radical about The Chronic?
First of all, it is a masterpiece of production. Dre mixes vintage samples with original beats he crafted in the studio, building up layer-by-layer with drums, bass, keys, and guitars. The result is a brand new genre he called G-Funk.
G-Funk is a rejection of the edgy, scratchy East Coast sound. Instead, this is laidback and funky, although never lazy. Itâs driven by throbbing, porny basslines, and carried along by that weird high-pitched squeal that buzzes like a mosquito through every track.
But Dre also helped to mold the myth of the G. Gangstas are a compelling bad-boy archetype, as quintessentially American as cowboys or mafiosos. And you donât even need a horse or a suit to be a G. You just need the right attitude.
And hey, listen, thereâs an awful lot to unpack in the concept of gangsta, from the response to the Rodney King beating and L.A. Riots, to the misogyny and homophobia found in a lot of records, including The Chronic.
But right now, weâre just focusing on why so many people bought this record. Part of the answer is: because Dre made G life sound extremely cool.
Plus, Dre found the perfect collaborator. The Chronic features a whole roster of talent including Nate Dogg and Warren G, but the A Star Is Born moment belongs to Snoop. The record is sometimes as angrily political as classic East Coast or N.W.A., as heard on tracks like âThe Day The N*ggaz Took Overâ. Snoop is the one who takes it in a new direction, adding humour, horniness, and a laid-back stoner charm. The fact that heâs a kid (barely 21) makes it all feel more accessible.
Nevermind didnât literally kill hair metal, but itâs true in a figurative sense. Like, Nirvana didnât not kill hair metal, if you know what I mean.
And The Chronic didnât launch rap as a commercial genre. It didnât invent gangsta rap, which had already been around for years. It didnât make the old school obsolete, or make novelty rap look ridiculous. It didnât give rap a new spiritual home on the West Coast.
Nor did The Chronic single-handedly set off a sequence of events that meant, by the end of the decade, hip-hop had dethroned rockânâroll as Americaâs primary cultural mode.
But⊠The Chronic didnât not do those things either.
Thoughts on The Chronic? A classic, or is its role in hip-history overstated?
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"He speak-sings his way Shatner-style through uptempo ballad, âNever Been A Right Time To Say Goodbyeâ."
This is likely the wildest sentence I'll read today. The Hitman? On a single? Wild.
I wasn't too into wrestling as a kid, but decided to like it once my parents said I couldn't watch it on TV. Macho Man Randy Savage was probably my favorite (with a nod to his frisbee flinging brother Leapin' Lanny Poffo), with Superfly Snuka not too far behind.
P.S. In what universe is 1990 Gary Barlow "fat?"